Happy birthday, My love ❤️
I've been sitting here trying to figure out how i'm supposed to fit everything i feel about you into one letter, and i genuinely don't think i can. There's so much i want to tell you, so many little things i love about you, and so many feelings i don't think words can properly explain. But it's your birthday, and if there's ever a day where i want you to know exactly how precious you are to me, it's today... everyday.
I hope you know that when i tell you i love you, I don't just mean the big obvious things. I mean all the tiny pieces of you that ive somehow fallen in love with too. I love your voice and how hearing it can instantly make my day better. I love your laugh and the feeling i get when i know I'm the reason behind it. I love your little reactions, the way you talk, the way you get excited about things, the way you can be soft with me, the way you care, the way you yap about random shit and somehow i could sit there listening forever. I love when you're sweet, when you're stubborn, when you're sleepy, when you're teasing me, I love all those ordinary little versions of you that probably don't feel special to you at all. But they will always remain special to me.
I don't need some perfect version of you. I don't want you to feel like you ever have to perform for me, impress me, or become anything different to deserve my love. i want you exactly as you are. The girl behind all the little things ive grown so ridiculously attached to.
And i think being without you made me understand that in a way i never did before. I realized how much i missed simply having you in my life. Not some relationship label, not the idea of having someone, just you. I missed hearing your voice. I missed telling you stupid things that happened during my day. I missed making you laugh. I missed playing with you, watching things with you, listening to you, teasing you and spending ridiculous amounts of time together doing absolutely everything together. I missed that feeling of looking at the time after being with you for hours and somehow still wishing i could have a little more of you. Having you in my life again has reminded me of something i should've understood a long time ago: loving you isn't something i should ever be afraid of showing.
I used to think there was some kind of safety in holding parts of myself back. Like if I didn't show too much, say too much or let myself be completely vulnerable, somehow i was protecting myself... Now I look at you and think, what was i so fucking scared of? If i adore you, why wouldn't i want you to know? If your voice makes me happy, why wouldn't i tell you? If i miss you five minutes after we stop talking, why pretend i don't? 😭 If i look at you and feel ridiculously lucky that you exist, i want you to know that too.
I never want you wondering whether you're enough for me. I never want you questioning how important you are, whether i want you, whether I'm proud to love you, or whether you have a place in my heart. You deserve to feel chosen. You deserve reassurance without having to ask for it. You deserve softness, patience, affection and the kind of love that makes you feel safe enough to simply be yourself.
And baby, I want to give you those things.
Not because i'm trying to erase everything we've been through. Our story hasn't been perfect. We've loved each other, hurt each other, lost each other, missed each other and somehow found ourselves talking again with all these feelings still sitting there waiting for us. There are things i wish more than anything i could go back and change. But since i can't rewrite what's behind us, all i can do is be better with every page i'm lucky enough to be part of from here.
And i love what we're doing now. I love that we're taking our time. I love that we don't need to force a label onto anything or pretend we're starting from zero when we're obviously fucking terrible at that considering we can't stop telling each other "I love you" i love that we can just enjoy each other again and let everything happen naturally. I want more days where somehow twelve hours with you still doesn't feel like enough. More nights where we say we're going to sleep and somehow end up talking anyway. More games, more things to watch together, more stupid conversations, more flirting, more laughter, more moments where absolutely nothing happens but i remember them anyway because they happened with you. I want to learn you again. I want to know the person you are now and all the little ways you'll continue changing. I want to be there for your good days and make the shitty ones a little softer. I want to celebrate the things you're proud of and remind you of everything beautiful about yourself when you can't see it. I want to keep discovering reasons to love you that neither of us even knows about yet. But today, more than anything, I just want to celebrate the fact that you exist.
I hope this next year of your life is gentle with you. I hope i will make you laugh until your stomach hurts. I hope you experience things that make you excited to wake up in the morning. I hope you become even more confident in the beautiful person you already are. I hope you feel appreciated. I hope you feel safe. I hope you feel beautiful. I hope you feel wanted. And i hope there are so many moments where you stop and realize that you're genuinely happy. You deserve that, baby. So fucking much.
And selfishly, I hope i get to be there for a lot of those moments. I hope i get to hear about your days, hear that voice i love so much, make you laugh when you're trying not to, annoy the shit out of you, call you princess until you're sick of me, and watch another year of your life unfold while i'm somewhere beside you.
Because after everything, one of the simplest feelings i have is still one of the strongest:
I'm just so fucking happy you're in my life.
I'm happy that i know you. I'm happy that i get to hear you laugh. I'm happy that i get to care about you. I'm happy that somehow, after everything our story has been through, I can still tell you i love you and hear you say it back. And most of all, I'm so fucking happy you were born.
So happy birthday, princess. ❤️
I hope today reminds you just how loved you are. And when today is over, I hope i can spend every ordinary day afterward reminding you too, because you shouldn't need a birthday to be treated like you're precious. I love you, baby more than words ever could, more fearlessly, and probably more annoyingly than ever 😭❤️ And when the day come i want to be the man who gets to call you his wife, I hope you keep this letter so i can read it back to you and tell you:
"See? I fucking told you."
Happy birthday, my always and forever ❤️
— Your soon to be husband Toun. ❤️
